18 reflections after 18 years of marriage

Before I start writing, I want to share that my blog Dawn and Hope has been selected by Feedspot panelist as one of the Top 200 Lifestyle Blogs on the web! I received an email from Feedspot founder, Anuj Agarwal, on June 23rd congratulating and thanking me for my contribution to this world. This is the most comprehensive list of Top 200 Lifestyle Blogs on the internet and I’m honored to be part of this! Please check the link below ( I am under 100! ). In my next post I plan to write about my Blogging journey including the benefits, my small accomplishments and social media growth in the last couple months. It is a learning experience and I am just getting started:)

https://blog.feedspot.com/lifestyle_blogs/

Now going to my blog post about reflections! My husband and I celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary few days back. This was our third special occasion in quarantine. It started with my hubby’s birthday in March, then younger one’s birthday in April, now our wedding anniversary in June followed shortly by my older one’s birthday. The only other family celebration left for the year is my birthday in August. Let’s see how the COVID-19 situation will be then!

I have known my husband since 1990 and we got married in 2002. Ours was a simple Hindu wedding ceremony attended by extended family and friends in the small town of Port Blair, Andamans. If you want to know more about this beautiful place where both of us were brought up and did our entire schooling, please refer to this post here.

Marriage is a lot of work. Although love is the basis of marriage, the reason for two people to come together and unite as a family; only love is not enough. In Indian culture the marriage is not just two people coming together to start a life together, but it is also the union of two families! There is lot of learning and maturity that goes into this pious relationship called marriage in India.

Here are my 18 reflections after 18 years of marriage:

1. Take out time to celebrate each other

Starting and then raising a family can be so time consuming and hectic. You should always try to take out time for each other. It can be TV/snuggle time once a week or date night once a month. The frequency doesn’t matter, but try to do it regularly at least few times in a year. If you get any chance to celebrate (anything small) do celebrate with each other. Remember that the real joys are in small moments in life! Cherish them!

2. Use words as well as action to appreciate each other

You may be the talkative person in your relationship, or the quiet one. It really doesn’t matter. Use words when you can, and always through actions show that you care and appreciate each other.

3. Respect has to be a priority

You may be married for decades or more, but respect is something that you should always have towards your partner. In fact this trait may actually grow over time as you live together and are able to see each other closely. Things he may do for the family, for the kids or indirectly anything that may be helpful; are all reasons to respect your significant other!

4. Always communicate- talk even when you are angry

This is something most couple struggle with, and we are no exception. When you are angry or sad or upset, you may not like to talk. I remember my early years in marriage when I wouldn’t talk to him for days, yes days; but learned that it was harming me more than him as I felt more isolated, angry and frustrated with no one to talk to. So always communicate to share what is going on in your mind. If you are not a good talker, you may jot down your feelings in a paper or a diary but communicate often and communicate well!

5. Agree to disagree but always share your point of view

This goes with point #4. Just because you have a different perspective and different point of view, does not mean that you are wrong. Agree to disagree but come to a consensus together!

6. Only love is not enough.

Of course love is the most important ingredient and the basic prerequisite but you need to add respect, encouragement and care to the mix to make it a successful relationship.

7. Make decisions as a team

Early on as a couple and later on as parents, you will have to make many decisions. Make sure it is made as a team and both of you are on the same team.

8. Do not be angry or upset for too long.

In the end it is the two of you who have to compromise and come to an understanding especially if you are away from family and have to sort things on your own.

9. Never say bad about your spouse in front of others.

Never say bad about your spouse in front of others, especially when you are dealing with differences at that time. It is ok if you are talking to a close family member or a close friend, but otherwise keep it to yourself. The reason is that you will forget what the tiff was about after some time and your love will continue, but the other person you may have confided in in your low time may not be able to forget and move on. So do yourself a favor and only share with other people who genuinely care for you and can move on with you!

10. Always say good things in front of him and his family, if you have a reason to

If you have a reason to say something good, please always do. Share and say preferably when he can hear you (same goes for kids). Genuine praises and encouragements are motivators and very helpful in any relationship!

11. Try and make good relationship with hubby’s side of family

When by law you are married in to his family, his family becomes your own. Always try your best to make good relationship with his side of family. He will do the same for you and your side of family!

12. Give each other priority. Always talk and sort out differences.

This goes with point # 4 & #5 above. It is only natural to have difference of opinions but always try to communicate and sort out misunderstandings and differences.

13. Do not fight in front of kids, or minimize if you can

14. Plan things together to look forward to- example trips, weekend events, a special occasion coming up

15. Learn your hubby’s love language, if you can

16. Always try to give more than you get; he will do the same for you

17. Speak up- your thoughts, your anger, your appreciation, your heartfelt emotions all the time

18. Last but not the least, love unconditionally! I know it is difficult but these reflections are for any married partners so the gender doesn’t matter; if both try to do this I am sure there will be so much good going on in each household.

List of Don’ts

• Don’t take each other for granted
• Don’t try to be always right in your relationship
• Don’t be dominating
• Don’t always ask for things to be done your way
• Don’t be passive, be an active contributor in your relationship and your family

To summarize there are small things you learn to do to make your married life smooth and comfortable. With love and respect as your pillars of marriage, learn to communicate, sort your differences, work as a team, and give each other time and space to grow and develop as a person. I am still in the learning stages, and feel that after 18 years of marriage we may only now be maturing as adults and now making more responsible decisions as a couple: Choices and decisions as partners, as parents, as guiders, and as responsible adults.

Dear readers, please share what you have learned or experienced for nurturing and developing long healthy and loving relationships.