Learning as a parent

Do you nag your kids? I don’t know about you as parents, but I nag my kids a lot. And I do mean, a lot! It is not always, of course, not every day; it is only on some days but I do! Most days I don’t even realize it but then some days, like today, when I think back I find that I have just complained and given negative energy to my kids. Although my intention is always to make sure my kids feel loved, cared, looked after and happy; I sometimes do become a nagging or negative parent. So how did that happen? How did I become a nagging mom, when I want to be actually the opposite: inviting, soothing, comforting, relaxing, calming, consoling, and good-natured! So am I a failure as a parent?

Yesterday, for my 16-year-old, I gave her a lecture when I couldn’t wake her up from her evening after-school nap after trying 2 times. Maybe I was angry because I had to go upstairs from my downstairs kitchen area to wake her up, come back down only to go back again after 10 min when she was still not awake, and then I did not want to go back a 3rd time? She reminded me at night that she was really tired because of the zoo field trip from school, so she was more sleepy and hence could not get up even after 2 failed attempts from my side to wake her up. I understood her perspective when she told me, or rather when I asked her again at night. But what if I had never asked her, never brought up this conversation? This tells me 1 thing for sure- to have an open conversation with your kids even when you are angry at them for something. Something good always comes out of dialogues, always! This reflection yesterday made me write this post about my journey as a parent, where I make mistakes, acknowledge it, learn from it, move on, and hopefully not repeat it. But to err is human, and we are flawed as human beings and we will surely make mistakes especially as parents…

In order not to repeat the same mistake, I looked up at some data. According to U S News, although nagging is the parenting strategy most often employed to try and convince kids to comply, it is actually the least effective technique, barely ever leading to the result for which parents hope. It can even backfire badly, communicating unintended negative messages and triggering even less compliant behavior. Learning how to nag less and communicate more effectively is incredibly powerful because it creates a calmer home, encouraging respect between family members. It also reduces stress between parent and child and empowers children to take greater responsibility by forcing them to reflect on the consequences of their own behavior, rather than relying on the parent’s nagging to make sure that things get done.

I have read that there are rules for communicating with a child who has to be repeatedly told and reminded what to do. So if you do find yourself in a position where you have to repeat yourself all the time and you feel you are becoming a nagging parent; please take a step back, pause & self-reflect. First and foremost, start by being truthful to your child telling them that you are tired of being a nag and explain that you want to get better at communicating. If you really think hard about it, nagging focuses on what a person is not doing- it is a negative reinforcement. As an educator I know that positive reinforcement works so much better than negative! Another fact is that nagging may make your child feel incompetent. Would you, I, or any other parent want that? Of course not! We want our kids to feel competent & accomplished. Your child may also feel manipulated & alienated. Lastly nagging provides no long-term solution.

According to Psychology Today, the first thing to understand about nagging is that it doesn’t work. In fact, nagging is an expression of negative emotion and can have serious consequences for parent-child relationships. Home should be the primary place where kids get positive reinforcement and unconditional support. Such teens usually discover that they are enough and, in-fact, like themselves for who they are. These young adolescents need to feel heard and understood. Just knowing that their parents support them and not judge them, can make a huge impact in their lives. As a parent, we have to let go of micro-management, and hold kids responsible for their action. This in turn means to respect your teenager’s need for autonomy & becoming independent. Of course I want my child to know that they are enough! That they matter! That our home is a safe place for them where they will always be loved!

So what can be some alternatives to nagging or repeating yourself? Make sure the expectations are clear, and the routines are in place. Consistency is the key. Communicate with your child about how you feel. Telling them in words how you are hurting, or how their behavior/action is impacting you, will get you a response from your child. May be they will correct their behavior/action, may be they will understand your point of view and both of you can meet half way. Isn’t parenting exactly this- you may both agree to disagree but there is still love and peace at home?:)

As written in my earlier posts about teenage years and joys of motherhood, parenting is a learning journey where we try to be understanding parents and take baby steps to have a great relationship with our growing adolescents. I am not at all an expert, and in fact I am learning through my own experiences that every child is different; but I do believe that family support and peaceful healthy home environment can make a tremendous positive impact on our kids.

Please share your success stories if you have teenagers at home, and what works for you in having a great conversation with them about getting things done. Please comment below or send an email to nishtha@dawnandhope.com